God has a better plan

Climbing the ladder of the scaffolding, hard hat and high-viz on, I stopped to wonder what I was doing. I was surrounded by dust, mud and concrete with guys shouting, drilling and hammering all around me. Yet I realised how quickly this had all become normal to me.

When had my life changed so suddenly?

When had a young girl, scared of heights who would never leave the house wearing ugly work boots, become the girl covered in mud in the middle of a building site?

More shocking than this change is my apparent enjoyment of standing in the middle of a building site covered in mud. I grew up with a plan of how my life would be. I wanted to study and go on to teach, I wanted to be married by 22 and to have children young (yes, I planned everything). Independence scared me. I thought if I planned my life so precisely, the future would be less terrifying. As it turns out, I’m beginning to quite like the future and the unknown.

I studied History at university with the goal of becoming a teacher when I graduated. Whilst studying I worked part-time as a teaching assistant and volunteered in various children’s group/summer programmes. I was well on my way to achieving the goal I had set myself when, in my final year of university I stopped and thought about what I actually wanted. It turns out, no matter how much you plan and organise you can’t make yourself want something. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my future, I just knew that teaching wasn’t for me. I was in a slight predicament as I’d spent the last few years of education building up to this and now I had no plan. However, I had worked really hard at my degree and was awarded a scholarship for a masters. I loved studying, I loved History, I loved writing I figured it was a no-brainer. I accepted and thought my life was sorted (at least for another year).

I graduated and spent the summer relaxing whilst beginning my new research. I went camping in North Wales and as various people asked what I planned to do after university, I just informed them that I was going to carry on as an ‘eternal student’. It was only when one of my friends asked me at dinner one evening if I really wanted to do the masters did I begin to question my plan. I assumed I wanted to, it gave me an extra years thinking time, I enjoyed studying, I didn’t really have to do anything to get a place. He then asked why I was doing it and I honestly didn’t have an answer. I think I brushed it off and the conversation moved to something else.

It was only then that I fully saw that continuing study for me would just be a crutch. I was scared of the future. I was scared of independence. I was the type of person that needed a plan but I had never stopped to think about why I was doing it and I’d never considered what God wanted me to do.

I came home from camp and after lots of prayer I decided to decline my post-graduate place at uni. For the first time in my twenty-one years I had no plan. I had no idea what I was going to do next, but strangely I felt totally at peace with my decision. I began applying for jobs in various sectors whilst keeping myself busy working in schools and church groups. For me job hunting was one of the most humbling experiences (second only to actually working). It turns out the world isn’t dying to employ a young graduate with a history degree and little life experience.

However, God had a plan that I would never have considered. I now work for a Construction Company where I spend 60% of time in an office and the rest out on site. It came at just the right time and though it was never what I expected – I love it. I love the challenge and not knowing what the day will bring. I love meeting all sorts of new people. I love travelling and I love the look on faces when I tell them I work on building sites (even if that’s not quite the full story).

Sometimes we don’t know what the future will bring and sometimes that’s scary but God has something far, far better planned.

Face paint for grown ups

I was getting ready at the mirror this morning with my niece chatting to me on the bed. ‘Make-up is really weird isn’t’ she comments as I’m applying mascara. ‘It’s just like putting face paint on but for grown ups.’ Her seven-year old mind continues to spin ‘Why do people wear make-up?’‘Well some people like to feel pretty’ as soon as the words come out of my mouth I regret it. I attempt to dig myself out of the hole  ‘little girls don’t need to wear any because they’re always pretty’. She seems content with my answer and simply comments that she’ll never use that weird eye thing (referring to the dreaded eyelash curler) as that’s just scary.

A seemingly innocent auntie-niece conversation that has bothered me all day. My nieces notice every little thing that I do, they listen to every comment I make – this is terrifying! They’re only young and have so much about life to learn, am I really the person they should be getting advice from? Do I want Amelia to grow up thinking she has to cover her face with cosmetics to be pretty? Do I want her identity to lie in her looks?

Amelia is a really beautiful child, as her auntie I know you’re probably thinking I’m biased, but physically she is naturally very pretty. She has long blonde hair, blue eyes, small pretty features but she’s also so much more than that. She is loving and cuddly and also amazingly feisty, she is probably the most intelligent seven-year old I’ve ever met – it amazes me what goes on in her head and the conversations she is able to have. She’s funny and a little cheeky and isn’t afraid to be different. All of these things make her beautiful and unique, they make her an amazing little girl and will one day make her into an amazing woman. She is far more than her looks.

I wear make up most days, I like to experiment with it and I do feel more confident with it on but I never want my nieces to think that I am dependant on it. I love fashion, I love shopping but again I’d never want my nieces to think it was the most important thing. I don’t want them to grow up feeling like they must conform to society and it’s ideals of beauty. Yet I know that I need to be this example to them, which is scary.

I have seven nieces and one on the way, they are all different but beautiful in their own way. Megan is probably the kindest person I know, she would do anything for anyone, she is talented and a little ditsy and has an amazing love for Jesus – I think she knows more of the Bible than I ever could. Jade is effortlessly cool, sometimes quiet, a great baker and always wanting to help. Abbie has a laugh that makes everyone around her smile, she is funny and has this innate sense of style – she just knows what goes with what and is wise beyond her eight years. As I said earlier Amelia is feisty but loving, she’d prefer to play football and climb trees than play with dolls and Barbie. Carys on the other hand is definitely the most girlie, she is small and dainty, loves pretty dresses and all things pink. She is confident and isn’t afraid to share her opinions. Summer is the cheeky one, she is stubborn and knows her own mind, she is always singing and dancing and loves giving hugs and kisses. Izzy is the youngest and her personality is now starting to show, like all Roberts girls she is stubborn and knows what she wants. She is also intelligent and sociable (she’ll say ‘hi’ to everyone) and totally adorable.

They are all different, they are all beautiful. As cousins they look out for each other, yes they fight but they also protect each other. I want them all to grow up strong, to be themselves, to not care about what society tells them they should be like. I want them all to know that Jesus will accept them no matter what they are like. I don’t want them find their identities in what clothes they wear, how they do their make-up, what our family or their friends say. I want them be their own person and I want to be a good role model for them. For them to see that it’s okay to be different and that it’s good to truly be themselves. I want them to know that I fail and that they will fail too but God will still love them.

So  a huge thank you to my beautiful, intelligent and funny nieces for being you! Thanks for the hugs and kisses, thanks for the drawings and jewellery you make. Thanks for giving me an excuse to dance around the house, to play on the swings and bake little cakes. I love you all! 

The Great Swimsuit debate

Next Saturday I’ll be leaving the clouds and rain of South Wales and jetting off for a week of sun, sea and ice cream in beautiful Greece. Whilst I can’t wait to lounge on a beach and relax all week I’ve had the dreaded question in the back of my mind – to bikini or not to bikini? Hopefully I’m not alone in this dilemma, the alternatives , most women have things they dislike about their body – will I be too pale? Am I still carrying a little Easter chocolate weight (or even Christmas) etc. For Christian women another question to add to the debate –  is it modest/acceptable?

As a teenager, who had only recently begun her relationship with Jesus, I was eager to learn how to be a godly woman and so I read lots and lots of books and articles on Biblical womanhood and true Christian beauty. Unfortunately what I often found was a list of what was or wasn’t okay for a Christian woman. Godly womanhood (according to the majority of what I read) lay in what you wore, how you spoke, the people you interacted with and even how quiet you were. What began as I desire to please God actually turned into a long list of what I had to do in order to gain his love. I was bombarded with the ideal clothes to wear:

• Skirts and dresses were feminine but only if they were mid calf or lower.
• Tops shouldn’t be too tight, too low or have distracting patterns.
• Heels shouldn’t be too high.
• Leggings are a big no-no.
• Jeans should only be worn for working in the garden or when looking after kids….

and so the lists continued. Eventually, I found myself trying to live up to a standard I could never keep and forgetting all about grace. These books, even though they were trying to be helpful actually took me further away from Jesus and instead living by a set of rules instead of in the freedom of the gospel. I ended up judging other young girls who didn’t keep to these standards which was far from what God wanted.

Whilst a lot of the advice was helpful, the main purpose shouldn’t be a list of what is and isn’t OK but rather how God can be glorified and honoured in everything that we do. The centre of Biblical womanhood isn’t clothes or make up – its Jesus. Unlike some other religions we have freedom to wear what we want, does this freedom then mean we can do whatever we want? No, but it means we don’t have to live by a strict set of rules in order to gain Christ’s love.  As Christian women I think we should consider what we wear – is it honouring to God? Is it distracting to others? What is our motivation behind wearing it?

I was searching for the answers to godliness in all the wrong places, instead of firstly running to God and reading books that would always point me to Jesus, I went down the legalism road and got overwhelmed with rules.

I haven’t answered the swimsuit debate you argue – that’s right because it isn’t a rule. Every woman, has to find their own way. Each of you know your own personal reasons. Some may think they are modest, some may think they are unacceptable but who are we to judge anybody else?

Truly known and still truly loved.

‘You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.’

This Psalm has been on my mind for a number of weeks. I was recently reading an online article entitled ‘Ten rules for first dates.’ Not that I was preparing to go on a date, but I thought I’d give it a look anyway. The article started with what to wear, apparently red is the best colour to wear on a first date (just in case you were interested…), ways to style your hair and make-up tips. It then went on to discuss where to go, what to order, what to talk about, what NOT to talk about and then after all that ironically ended with ‘The most important thing to remember, is to be yourself.’ Ha! The whole article was centred around the idea of not being yourself, of trying to be something else,  something better. Number 10 wasn’t saying ‘Be yourself, your whole self’ it was saying ‘only be a little bit yourself, only show your good points.’ This idea teaches that someone will only love you if you hide who you really are, it teaches us to hide our failures.

When we first meet people it’s natural to want to be liked, we feel like we cannot truly show them ourselves because our true selves isn’t that nice. If I’m honest with you, the depths of my heart isn’t pretty. It’s for this reason that these verses both amaze and scare me. We live in a world where we  try to only show our good side, we fear we wont be loved if people knew what we are really like. Sadly, this is too often the case in our Christian friendships, we put on a front with people because we fear if they could see our minds, our hearts they’d realise we aren’t perfect. But we’re not perfect.

The amazing thing –  the world says it’ll love you as long as you fit in, as long as you appear to be lovely, as long as you wear a mask, as long as you try. But God says that He knows the depths of our hearts, He knows everything about us, knows what we think, what we say, how we feel. He sees our imperfection, our dirtiness but He loves us and because of Jesus He sees us as righteous.

Yes, it’s scary that God sees and knows everything about us but more than that it makes His love for us more and more incredible. He sees us as we truly are and still wants us!